Doubts.

"Isn't it the moment of most profound doubt that gives birth to new certainties?" 

((Vaclav Havel))

As they were talking about these things, Jesus himself stood among them and said to them, "Peace to you!" But they were startled and frightened and thought they saw a spirit. And he said to them, "Why are you troubled, and why do doubts arise in your hearts? See my hands and my feet, that it is I myself. Touch me and see." 

((Luke 24: 36-39))

I'm a natural doubter. And not just when it comes to spiritual things. If it's possible to doubt something, I've probably doubted it before. 

I doubt whether people really care about me, and whether I'm worth caring about. I doubt that my friends and family will be there for me when I need them. I doubt whether authorities have my best interest in mind. I doubt whether people actually like me at all. I doubt my ability to succeed at new things.  

Probably the most terrifying doubts I've experienced, though, are doubts about God. I've spent way too many nights plagued by "what ifs." I've lost a lot of sleep over it. I've spent a lot of time reading my Bible, reading blogs and books about it, and praying to God that he would help me to overcome the doubts I have. It's really scary sometimes. Until this year, I never experienced such intense doubts, and I've pleaded with God to take them away. Faith has not been an easy road for me, especially this year. 

To be completely honest, I still have doubts sometimes. And they still scare me. But God has taught me things through them. He's still teaching me things. One thing that I've learned is that sometimes a greater degree of certainty can be produced by times of doubt. Having doubts and overcoming them is a really good (albeit scary and sometimes painful) way of figuring out what I really believe and why, and whether this faith I profess is worth what Jesus asks of me. 

The other big thing I've learned is something that I've known intellectually all along, but never experienced until recently. Ever since a couple of years ago when I decided to recommit my life to Christ, I've been told that in my faith I should not depend only on my feelings. I agreed intellectually, but up until this year faith was generally an emotional experience for me. But as time went on, the spiritual high of recommitting began to wear off a little. I think that's when I started experiencing doubts. I'm a person that's driven largely by emotion, so when the emotion behind my faith started to weaken, my faith weakened with it. God has shown me that faith is often going to be a choice rather than a feeling for me. Sometimes I don't want to read my Bible or pray, but God wants me to be faithful in those things even if they're not a mind-blowingly emotional experience every time. I just need to accept the fact that I am going to go through spiritual deserts sometimes, but it is still important to remain faithful to God. 

Tonight at the Unite prayer event, I was finally able to have a more emotional experience with God, and it was amazing. You know on a really hot summer day when you're extremely thirsty and all you can think about is getting a huge glass of cold water, and then when you finally get some it just tastes incredibly good? That's kind of how it felt. I know that faith is not always going to be an emotional experience for me, but it was good to really  feel it for the first time in a very long time.  I've been so up and down, so discouraged lately; a night of praising Jesus with my brothers and sisters was exactly what I needed. I feel refreshed and excited for what God has in store for me. I'm just so thankful for how God met me tonight. All night, I feel like He was telling me to remember. Remember the good things God has done in my life. Remember the bad things He's brought me out of.

 When doubts arise, remember His faithfulness.