You don't have to have all your ducks in a row.

This has been a tough summer for me, spiritually speaking. I've felt really disconnected from God. I've been struggling with the doubts I wrote about in an earlier post and not making prayer a priority in my life; on top of that, while I'm at home I feel extremely cut off from any kind of significant Christian community. I know my relationship with God is personal, but I'm learning more and more that it is important to involve others in my walk of faith as well. This feeling of being cut off from God and from my believing friends has really started to take a toll on me and I know I've let some of Satan's lies creep their way into my life. 

The biggest lie that I've been believing is that God does not want to use me. After all, I'm just an over-emotional 21 (almost 22) year old who seems to find a new way to mess up every day. Who doesn't know where she's going in life, or even what in the world she's supposed to be doing in the present...and who hasn't even been making God much of a priority in her life lately. Why would God want a mess like me? 

I really am kind of a mess of a person sometimes (or a lot of times). I might try to act like I have all my ducks in a row most of the time, but it's usually just a facade to hide the fact that I have plenty of issues and I almost never feel like I have it all together. And who does? I don't think anyone is as perfect as they pretend to be. God has been slowly breaking down some of the lies I've let into my life in this area, even though I haven't been seeking Him very persistently. I mean, I haven't even had a good quiet time in longer than I'd like to admit. But God is so much more faithful than I am, and He has been whispering to me in other ways. 

I was at the Joyful Noise Christian music festival last weekend, and Mark Hall (lead singer of Casting Crowns) said something that stuck in my head for a long time. He said "the world doesn't care that we sin, ya'll...they care that we pretend we don't." It made me realize how imperfect each and every one of us is, and how pointless it is for me to pretend I'm not...not only pointless, but maybe even harmful to ministry. If I pretend I'm perfect, how will people see that no matter how many problems they have, God still wants them? How will anyone ever see what God has done in my life? What better way is there to see who God is than in someone who is such a disaster on her own, but can find peace and even healing only because of God's grace? 

So if I can see that God wants other people even if they aren't perfect, why can't I seem to realize that it's true about me too?  Why can't I live more boldly and with more confidence, knowing that God does want to use me even if I'm a mess? I was pondering this at work today, and God brought a verse to my mind that I really need to remember while I'm wrestling with feeling unusable: 

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me.

(2 Corinthians 12:9)

I wish I could say that I've had some kind of huge breakthrough and I'm done struggling with this, but I'm not. Feeling wanted and loved has never come easy for me, and I guess all I can do now is give this struggle up to God and have faith that he does  love me and have a purpose for me, and that His love is unconditional. I don't  need to be perfect and I don't need to earn it. As usual, I don't have a solid conclusion to leave you with, so I'll leave you with a Relient K song that I enjoy and also can really relate to lately: