Idols

I was flipping through channels a few minutes ago and came across a music video on MTVU that looked interesting, so I stopped to watch some of it. I think it was supposed to be people talking about what music means to them. A couple of things said in the video really struck me.

One girl said "Some people believe in God; I believe in music. Some people pray; I turn up the radio."

A guy in the video said "Music is everything to me."

I mean, people say things like this about music all the time. I've heard it lots of times, but I've never really put too much thought into it. These people are worshiping the creation instead of the Creator. Music is their idol.

Before I start to sound judgmental, though, I have to admit that I sometimes do similar things. Not with music, but with other things. I'm probably too attached to my precious collection of books. I probably put too much of my identity in the fact that I'm a student, in my major, in the group of friends I'm part of, in worldly things that really mean nothing.

I don't have a hugely profound conclusion to draw or anything, except that I (and lots of other people) would be way better off if we would stop worshiping and putting our identity in things that don't matter and start to find our identities in Christ. For some reason hearing people say those things about music just hit me this time, and I wanted to get some of my thoughts out.

I'm not sure what I'm really trying to say in this post. I guess I just felt really bad about how those people had made music such an idol in which they find their identity and their life...what kind of life is that? It just seems kind of empty to have music be the main thing you believe in and find comfort and joy in. Music is good--but the one who gives the inspiration for its creation is so, so much better. 

Bird by Bird, Buddy.

So lately I've been reading a book called Bird by Bird: Some Instructions on Writing and Life by Anne Lamott. It's pretty interesting so far. I like the way she talks about writing, because she integrates writing and life. And that's really what fiction writing is about--being true to what life is about from your perspective. That is an odd concept, considering there's so much fiction out there that obviously isn't realistic. Here's what Lamott says about it (I like the way she puts it):

"This brings us to the matter of how we, as writers, tell the truth. A writer paradoxically seeks the truth and tells lies every step of the way. It's a lie if you make something up. But you make it up in the name of the truth, and then you give your heart to expressing it clearly. You make up your characters, partly from experience, partly out of the thin air of the subconscious, and you need to feel committed to telling the exact truth about them, even though you are making them up."

I haven't finished the book yet, so I don't have a ton to say about it yet. But it's interesting so far. So I guess I will end with something which Anne Lamott relates to writing but could also relate to life in general:

"Thirty years ago my older brother, who was ten years old at the time, was trying to get a report on birds written that he'd had three months to write. It was due the next day. We were out at our family cabin in Bolinas, and he was at the kitchen table close to tears, surrounded by binder paper and pencils and unopened books on birds, immobilized by the hugeness of the task ahead. Then my father sat down beside him, put his arm around my brother's shoulder, and said, 'Bird by bird, buddy. Just take it bird by bird.' "

10 (or more) Reasons Why I'm Happy Today (in no particular order)

1. There was a Doctor Who marathon on BBCA today, followed by the Graham Norton show. On which David Tennant just happened to appear. Oh, the little things.

2. I got a lot of packing/laundry done today. I mean, I'm excited to go to school and all, but this year I'm just not too excited about packing. Glad it's nearly done.

3. I did not change out of my pajamas all day. I'm still in them right now.

4.Tomorrow I have guitar lessons. I like my lessons.

5. Thursday my friends Ashley and Jessica are coming over and spending the night. I haven't had enough friend time this summer, and this is definitely a good diversion from the norm.

6.My mom needed taco seasoning for something and bought a ridiculously large jar of it at Sam's Club even though she only needs a little bit, and is giving the rest of it to me to bring to school. This might sound like a strange reason to be happy, but I really love taco seasoning. I put it on everything. So yeah, this makes my list of reasons I'm happy right now.

7. I got to spend lots of time with my good friend Elissa the other night. We went and saw Eat, Pray, Love and then sat in her car in my driveway for 3 hours, just talking. What's not to love about that?

8."Star Trek: The Next Generation" is on BBCA right now. Seeing a trend yet? SciFi makes me happy.

9. I'm planning on having a nice long session of reading Speaker for the Dead (the second book in the Ender series) tonight.

10. On my last day of work, my friend Tim came up to me and handed me a Doctor Who DVD for my brother and I to watch. Having a friend at work who volunteers his Doctor Who DVDs for me to watch makes me happy. It's one of my happy memories from work, so it was a good way to end my last day there for the summer.

11. My brother and I are going to watch said Doctor Who DVD tonight. While eating sunflower seeds. It's our tradition.

12. I move back to school on Saturday at noon! Yes, folks, the big day is only 88 hours and 14 minutes away!

I Am Broken.

For a man's ways are in full view of the Lord, and he examines all his paths. (Proverbs 5:21)

My ways are in full view of the Lord. I don't usually want to accept this truth, but that's just what it is--the truth. I'm the kind of person who wants to hide my flaws and the scars of my past. I don't want to let other people see that my family isn't perfect or that sometimes I get angry or jealous over stupid things. I want to pretend that I have my life together. A lot of the time, I don't want the Lord--or anyone else--to see what's really going on in my heart. But the Lord can see it. And He wants me to let other people see it, too.

But we have this treasure in jars of clay to show that this all-surpassing power is from God and not from us. (2 Corinthians 4:7)

If I don't acknowledge my imperfection and the brokenness of my life, I won't be able to glorify God. He designed me so that His love and His power would become abundantly apparent because of my brokenness. Not even in spite of my brokenness. Because of my brokenness. I am fragile, like a jar of clay--and I have been, am, and will be broken. 

My pastor gave a great illustration of how this works at church today. He held up an intact clay flower pot and shined a flashlight into it. The clay pot was not broken at all--not even a little crack or hole anywhere. The light was inside of it, but no one could see it. Then he set the flashlight down and smashed the clay pot into many pieces. Then he picked up the flashlight and what was left of the pot, held the flashlight up behind the broken pieces, and turned it on. The light was unmissable. No one would be able to look at that pot and not see the light behind it. 

I am that clay pot. If I pretend I have no family problems, no emotional baggage, no scars that have carried over from my past--no "cracks", no one will be able to see that any joy, any fullness, any togetherness I have in my life is from God. It's as if I'm pretending that I can handle life on my own. But if I let my broken pieces show, then the world will not be able to miss God in me. No one will be able to look at me and say that I am strong on my own or joyful on my own. They'll have no choice but to recognize that I myself and fragile and broken into pieces like a clay pot, but that my joy, my strength, and my light are from a higher source.

But I, by your great mercy, will come into your house; in reverence will I bow down toward your holy  temple. (Psalm 5:7)

I am broken into pieces. I am sinful. I can't seem to do anything right. But God has accepted me into His house and family. He has done more than that, even; He has sent someone as sinful and stubborn as me on his holy mission to share the good news of His love and mercy with everyone I possibly can. And to do so, I must be willing to show others that I, too, am broken.

Ten Things I Would Buy if I Didn't Have Thousands of Dollars in College Loans to Pay Off and Thousands More to Borrow Before I Graduate

1. This Polaroid 600 One-Step instant camera. I still think they're really cool, even in this age of digital everything. I mean, INSTANT pictures. Cool, right?

2. This Dalek shirt. Because I am a huge Doctor Who fan, so I feel like I should at least own one shirt that shows it.

3.A Pink Dell Mini. One, because it's pink. Two, because it's mini, making it very easy to carry around campus in my backpack with all my textbooks without making the load even more back-breaking. For now, I'll just have to stick with my regular-sized-but-kind-of-heavy laptop. It works just fine, so it'll do :)

4. Books. Nothing too specific here, but I would just buy a lot more books. I still buy books now, but I buy them at second-hand stores for a quarter. Which I absolutely love doing, it's just that sometimes there's a specific book that I really want to read, and I can't be guaranteed to find that one specific book at a thrift store or garage sale. Still, second-hand books are the best!

5.Every season of Doctor Who. Then again, if I did that I would never do anything but watch Doctor Who. Then I wouldn't need to buy a camera or a shirt or books, because I would never leave the couch. :-D

6.This tea set. Tea is delicious. I mean, I have other teapots, so this tea set would be completely unnecessary. But it's really cute.

7.A Trampoline. We have one at our house, but it's really old and starting to get rusty. And it seems like every time someone jumps on it, another spring flies off. So we don't really use it anymore. But i love trampolines, so I would definitely buy a new one.

8. Movies that Aamir Khan is in, namely Lagaan and Like Stars on Earth. Aamir Khan is my favorite Bollywood actor. Love him.

9.Nutella. Lots of it.

10. Really, really good coffee.

Give Thanks

Life is made up of moments.

Sometimes, ordinary moments don't seem very important.Those moments of brushing my teeth, making toast, walking down the stairs, changing the channel on the tv--they pass me by, and I don't stop to appreciate them. But the truth is, those are the moments that are most abundant in life. How is it that I can let most of the moments of my life pass by without me even noticing them?

I only notice the exciting times. The times where I'm doing things that are out of the ordinary. Those are the only moments I stop to thank God for. And I truly am blessed to have really memorable moments. But those are actually the smallest part of life.

But the apostle Paul says give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus.

Give thanks in all circumstances. The good times, the bad times, and all the in between times. If I'm not thankful for every single day of my life, if I fail to be grateful for every breath God gives me, then the beauty of the gift of life is wasted on me. It is God's will that I would give thanks in every circumstance, even if some moments don't seem important. It's a hard truth to swallow that any moment of any day could be the moment in which I take my last breath. I don't say this to be negative. I say it because it's true, and it's something most of us don't really accept. We know it in our heads. But we don't know it in our hearts; we don't live better and fuller lives because of it.

If I am going to truly appreciate my life, I must learn to give thanks even in those moments that seem boring, ordinary, and unimportant; to let God have those moments and use them the way He wants. It's God's will.

I don't want to think of ordinary moments as unimportant moments anymore. It's time for me to learn how to appreciate every single breath--to give thanks in all circumstances.

My pencil never crashes.

I have been thinking lately about computers. The modern, developed world is way too dependent on them. And I'm not talking just PCs, Macs, etc. I'm talking even the simplest kind, like the ones that are in calculators. Think about how many things we depend on computers for. If anyone wanted to undo modern society, all they'd have to do is take our beloved computers away.We use them for so much: email, instant messaging, video messaging, applying for financial aid and student loans, job applications, banking, reading ebooks, looking up phone numbers and addresses, GPS/ directions to places, shopping, managing cell phone/cable tv/internet/movie rental plans...and that is not at all an exhaustive list. Just a few things that popped into my head. And they never work perfectly, so they're an added stressor in our lives. Just another thing that can go wrong.

I don't know about you, but my math skills are pretty rusty. I'd be in trouble without a calculator. And I'm guessing a lot of other people would too. Think about when the power goes out at a local store...the cashiers (likely high school students) have trouble figuring out how much change to give back without using a computer or calculator. I'm not judging, because I would probably have trouble too. But I think in some ways our schools have encouraged these poor math skills. I've actually had several math teachers who told us we must have a calculator for math class, because the math we were going to do would take far too long if we were to try and do it with paper and pencil. Really? I'm pretty sure my parents did it without calculators when they were in school. They probably understood it better, too. I don't even know how most of the math I learned even works, because the only thing I learned was which buttons to push on my calculator.

Mathematics aside, I am dependent on computers for a lot of other things. I think this is a new thing with my generation. Most of us have trouble with real life, face-to-face communication. Our language is ridden with "uhs," "ums," and "likes." We can't seem to spit out an entire sentence or form a complete thought without throwing in a filler word. I do the same thing. My generation just isn't used to having to speak well. And really, many of us don't even speak to each other over the phone. We text. And we're just baffled when someone doesn't have texting on their phone plan. It's like we don't understand the concept of making a phone call. We don't even take the time to write a personal email anymore. My inbox is full of forwards, automated email newsletters, etc. I think I've gotten an email written personally by someone I actually know maybe twice in the past year.

Then there's video chatting. Which I love, don't get me wrong. It's an amazing way to stay in touch with people who are far away. It feels more personal, like you're almost in the same room. But sometimes I think we depend too much on video chatting and instant messaging.

And if we didn't have any sort of computers, we wouldn't even have phones or email or video messaging. We'd have to pick up a pencil and write a letter. Or worse yet, we'd have to actually walk/bike and visit people. Sometimes I think countries that haven't developed enough to have computers everywhere are actually lucky. They still have human contact. They still have communities where people really connect with each other in meaningful ways. It's something my generation of tech-savvy chronic computer-users has lost to a great extent.

I'm definitely not saying I'm exempt from this. I've grown up in a culture where new computers and new technologies are being developed every day. It's a huge industry. It's an integral part of how people my age communicate with each other. And I love using computers. I love blogging and watching uploading videos to YouTube. Computers have made some really good things possible. I just think I want to learn how to connect more personally with people again. Like when I was a kid, and my friends and I could play and use our imaginations and run around outside together all day long and still not be ready to come inside by dinner time. We actually interacted with each other. I want that back.

At least my pencil never crashes! -Unknown Author

Haiku Nerdiness

I've always appreciated the little things in life. I love to laugh at random things in my surroundings that just happen to strike me as funny. Like the "Econo Foods" sign by school having burnt out letters so that it read "no foods." So funny.
Recently I've gotten back into writing poetry a little bit. Not that I was ever a very talented poet, I just like writing it. For fun, to get out thoughts, etc. It's a hobby, really. I was reading about Haiku last night, and it's really interesting. Haiku are always seen as these really simple poems that you teach elementary school children to write because they're short. But they're really not that simple. Writing a good haiku is actually pretty difficult. And getting the real point of haiku is too. For one, it's not easy to write a beautiful and moving poem in so few words. Two, haiku isn't just a form of poetry. For those who are really hardcore into haiku, it's like a lifestyle. A lifestyle of noticing the details of moments, and of being able to capture those moments in just a few words. Sure, anyone can string together the right number of syllables...but will it have meaning? Beauty? Will it capture the feeling of the moment? A haiku has to do everything any other poem has to do, and it has to do it just as well, but in far fewer words.

I feel very English-nerdy right now. I don't know if anyone reading this (if anyone is, indeed, reading this) cares at all about haiku, but I find it fascinating. I guess that's why I am a Literature major.

I'm sensing a pattern...

...in the things God has been teaching me.

First, it was Colossians 3:23: "Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord."

Okay, great. I've been trying to keep that in mind. I guess I've learned my lesson about complaining about my job, right?

WRONG. God has brought something else to my attention about work, and He used a source I wouldn't have expected, personally. Genesis (and the extensive footnotes in Genesis in my ESV Study Bible).

There I was, reading along in Genesis when BAM! Not even two full chapters in, God commands Adam to work and keep the land (in 2:15). I've read that verse a lot of times. A LOT. I've never really thought much of it. But the footnote for that verse brought to my attention the fact that God gave this command BEFORE the fall.

Yeah, so? What does that have to do with ME?

Well, I'll tell you what it has to do with me (and everyone else on Earth). This means that work is NOT a curse. It is NOT a result of the fall or of sin. Work is something God intended for humans to do from the beginning. Crazy, huh? So many of us really don't like work at all. I know I often would rather just do what I feel like doing, not going to a job where I have to do what someone else wants me to do. It's just not as fun as sitting at home in my pajamas all day, watching Disney Channel and working on the various creative (but not really beneficial to society) projects I'd like to finish this summer. But God WANTS us to be productive members of the world. I never really thought of it that way...and I never realized why it's important that work was around even when sin and evil and all that other bad stuff wasn't.

Today, I told my mom about my discovery. She said "Maybe it's our discontentment with work that's a result of the fall, and not work itself."

It was such a simple, nonchalant statement that I didn't really think much about it at first. But now that I have let the idea bounce around in my head I realize that it's SO true. Before the fall, there was no discontentment with work. There was the garden and the animals, and humans were supposed to look after them...and Adam and Eve were okay with that. But now, we humans so easily grow discontent with our lots in life...AS A RESULT OF OUR SINFUL NATURE! That's why we don't like that God has ordained for humans do DO WORK. Maybe that's why so many people are drawn to the lottery and "get rich quick" schemes. We'd rather have money just given to us rather than having to work for a living. Sorry, guys. That's not what God has planned for all of us.

Anyways, I'm starting to get the feeling that God really wants me to learn to be content with where He's put me and what he's given me--especially in the arena of work and jobs. I say that He really wants me to as opposed to just kind of wanting me to because I feel like I've been neglecting to listen for God's voice lately...and yet He is still showing me things. I'm so blessed to have a Creator that pursues me even when I'm not pursuing Him like I should <3

Lemony Snicket Quote of the Day

It is one of life's bitterest truths that bedtime so often arrives just when things are really getting interesting.

lol

a funny conversation just happened between my om and brother, and i feel the need to document it. My brother incorrectly used the word ''procrastinate'' and my mom was like ''do you even know what that means?'' He said '' yeah, it means to eat'' We kind of just looked at him confusedly. Turns out he had it wrong because whenever my mom is avoiding doing something she eats a snack as a method of procrastinating and says ''gosh. I'm just procrastinating...'' and so my brother thought procrastinating meant eating. It made me laugh :-D

This is the chorus of the saints singing "Hallelujah! Our God is faithful!"

Aloha!
God has been revealing something to me this week...I am so often not thankful and satisfied in the ways that God provides for me.

Example: my job. Since before school ended and continuing into the summer, I asked God countless times to provide income for me this summer. Now, for some reason I expected a new job. A job I like more than the job I've had for the past 5 years or so. So when the job I was able to work at turned out to be the same old job I've always had, my instinct was to complain. Just ask my family, and they would tell you that I was not a happy camper when my old job started asking me to come back. I felt forced into going back there, because I need the money and in this economy it's hard to find a summer job.

Fast forward to yesterday or so. I was reading my Bible, and came across a verse which I've read a million times before, and it convicted me that my attitude has been all wrong. Seriously, a very common verse...but it hadn't ever really hit me very deep before. That verse was Colossians 3:23 -- Whatever you do, work at it with all your heart, as working for the Lord. It didn't even hit me right away. In fact, I was kind of like "hey, I know someone who could really benefit from this verse. I'll keep it in mind and tell them later..." How oblivious can I be? Seriously, I need to learn the skill of removing the log from my own eye before I worry about other people's specks. But that's off topic. Anyways, later that day I was at work and, to be honest, I was in a terrible mood and just kept thinking about how I'd rather be anywhere but there. My job is a little monotonous, so I have some thinking time while I'm working. God seriously used that thinking time for me that day, because He interrupted my inner complaining with Colossians 3:23.

It kept replaying itself over and over in my head for like a half hour. So I was like "okay...I'm starting to think this applies more to ME than to my friend who I was going to share the verse with..." and I started realizing that God had something to teach me with Colossians 3:23.

Sure, the job I have right now isn't really what I had in mind for myself and sometimes drives me a little insane. But as far as I recall, God never promised that I would always have an easy time in every situation He places me in. And does working as if I'm working for the Lord include only my outward effort...how hard I work physically? I don't really think so. I think it also has to do with my attitude...my heart. Think about it...if Jesus were physically at my workplace and asked me to do something...would I be like "FINE! But I'm definitely not going to like it and I'm totally going to complain to myself the whole time and become bitter toward this job because I DON'T LIKE WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO!" ? I hope not. Hopefully I would trust that because the Lord was telling me to do it, that it was for the best. Hopefully, in light of that trust, I would work joyfully and "heartily" as some translations of Colossians 3:23 say.

I learned the answer to the question "WHY should I work with all my heart in whatever I'm doing, as if I'm working for the Lord?" Here's why: because God puts me places doing things I might not like because it's what's best for me at the time. So having a bad attitude toward the work I have to do is essentially like having a bad attitude toward where God himself has placed me. And even though Jesus is not physically overseeing my work at my job, He's ultimately my "boss." I have to trust that God has control of things, and that He's answering my prayers and providing for me in the best way possible, even if it's a different approach than I would take. And in light of this trust, I need to work joyfully at whatever I'm doing because God is always faithful to me even when I don't see it. He knows what He's doing, and if He's placing me back at my old job then I have to have faith that there's a reason for it.

Lemony Snicket Quote of the Day:

"Fate is like a strange, unpopular restaurant filled with odd little waiters who bring you things you never asked for and don't always like." 

As I was about to nibble the sacred cheese of life...

About an hour ago, I got out of my last class of the semester. It's such a liberating feeling to know that I'm almost done with school for the semester, and that all that stands between me and summer are a few exams. I mean, I have a bunch of stuff that I need to do this summer, but I can more or less do it on my own time. I won't have a bunch of deadlines looming over me at all times like I do during the semester. I'm DONE.

I also just got done watching this Hank Green video about paths to attaining immortality. My favorite is the one about travelling at the speed of light.

But really, it kind of makes me wonder: if I had a way to attain physical immortality, would I take it? I mean, I have my faith, which gives me spiritual immortality. However much faith I have, though, there's still that very human side of me that fears death. I think it's the fact that death is such an unknown that scares me; even though I have faith in what will come after death, there are still those questions. What does it feel like to die? What is going through a person's head when they know they're about to die? Fear? Peace? But to have physical immortality--would that really be worth it?

My fear tells me yes. It tells me that I'd rather have the same kind of human life that I have now. It tells me that death is the end, a destination to be avoided at all costs.

But other parts of me say something different. My faith tells me that what awaits me after death is far superior to what I could ever have in the life I live now; that in my humanity I can't see everything there is to see, can't even fully experience the things that I can see. And isn't that part of what makes our human lives what they are? The sense that we don't--and probably can't--know everything there is to know? The feeling of awe at the mysteries that humanity just can't seem to figure out, no matter how hard we all try? The knowledge that the days we have on Earth are few, and should be used in the best way possible? If people could physically live forever, these things would seem somehow meaningless. Instead of being beautiful, life would be more of a chore. It would just be never ending toil.

Sometimes I wonder if my youth is what makes me feel like I'd want to live forever. Right now, life is pretty easy. It's not perfect, but I haven't lived long enough to be worn out from many years of the work involved in life--jobs, relationships, raising a family, dealing with deaths and tragedies which are unavoidable in life. Sometimes I wonder if people who have lived long lives are actually just ready for all the work and heartache to be over. As many beautiful and wonderful things as there are in life, it's just so hard sometimes.

This all just makes me realize how much I need God. I need Him because without the grace He's given me through Jesus, I would be a mess. Without knowing that when my body dies it isn't the end for me, I would go crazy with the uncertainty of what will happen to me afterward. So I guess that even though my human fear of death makes me think that physical immortality is something very desireable, there's also a part of me that is stronger than death itself (the JESUS part!) that tells me that a short life is better. It is better, more natural, to live a godly life and to die and go to rest in the presence of God than to live forever, with no rest from the troubles that earthly life inevitably brings.

And now, after that seriousness, I'll end with something a little bit more light-hearted.

Lemony Snicket Quote of the Day

"As I'm sure you know, the key to good evesdropping is not getting caught"

numero uno.

It's a really bad idea for me to start a blog right now, because it's nearing finals week and I should be studying and writing the three 8-10 page papers that I have due within a week or so. I guess one of the many things I've learned in college is that I'm really good at procrastinating for as long as possible and then doing things at the last second. But I suppose that's probably true of a lot of college students.

Anyways, I have decided to embark upon the journey of keeping a blog and writing in it regularly. I have a confession to make...I actually have had several blogs in the past and deleted them or neglected them because I decided that I didn't really like the stuff I wrote in them anymore but didn't want to delete all the posts and start over. But this time, I'm going to try really hard to commit and to actually write things that are mildly interesting. I can't make any promises about the interesting part, but I'll give it my best!

So I guess since this is the first post on this blog, I'll introduce myself a little bit :) My name is Ashley, I'm 20 years old (21 on June 26th!). I'm currently a junior in college studying English Lit. as well as TESOL (Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages). I live in the Midwest, so a huge part of my life has been snow-filled and freezing cold.

I've seen other bloggers doing a thing called BEDA (Blog Every Day in April)...and I'm sad that I started my blog too late to jump on that bandwagon. I don't usually like jumping on bandwagons, but that could have been an interesting challenge. Oh well, there's always August! (I just found out today that Maureen Johnson isn't doing it until August, anyways. So I'm kind of okay with it.)

For now, I'll leave you with a quote out of Horseradish: Bitter Truths You Can't Avoid, a Lemony Snicket book I recently bought (and am thoroughly enjoying):

"Just about everything in this world is easier said than done, with the exception of 'systematically assisting Sisyphus's stealthy, cyst-suceptible sister,' which is easier done than said."